AGC #035 - Tales of two sports parents

Being a sports parent is hard.

You invest the time, buy the equipment, drive the kids everywhere… and sometimes they don’t even get on the field.

@misparks

Kids in sports problems 😂 💯 #sportmoms #momsoftiktok #kidsoftiktok #parentsoftiktok

There’s no shortage of guides on being a better sports parent, but handling the conflicts that arise isn’t always straightforward.

The two similar tales below are based on true stories, albeit with identifying elements altered.

This newsletter doesn’t intend to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do as a sports parent.

However, I hope it makes you think about how you might handle a similar situation with your son or daughter.

John’s search for the truth

John loved nothing more than going to watch his daughter, Emma, play soccer games.

The problem was that Emma barely played them.

Her high school coach preferred to put others on the field ahead of her in the defensive line, and if she got in at all, it was as a late substitute.

Emma seemed evasive when the topic came up at dinner and rarely wanted to talk about it.

“I just don’t understand why he won’t put you in,” John would say, ignoring his wife’s death stare.

“We’ve paid all this money for private lessons, but it doesn’t seem to have helped. Do you know why he doesn’t pick you?”

Emma usually shrugged her shoulders, mumbled “I don’t know,” or changed the subject whenever he mentioned it.

Each passing game watching Emma sit on the bench for all but a few minutes made John madder.

He secretly tried calling the coach - knowing Emma would be furious if she found out - and left voicemails and texts, but they went unanswered, angering him even more.

To Emma’s eternal embarrassment, John confronted the coach after the game, to demand some answers.

“I only discuss playing time with the players, not the parents,” the coach insisted.

“Well, it’s clear to me you haven’t discussed it with Emma either, so it’s my job as her father to advocate for her,” came John’s reply.

The coach thought about this for a second, then called Emma over.

“Emma, did we discuss your playing time this season?” asked the coach.

“Yes, coach, back at the start of the season.”

“And what did I say were the three things that held you back from getting more playing time?”

“I need to get fitter because I failed the run test, my first touch needs to become more consistent, and I have to win my defensive 1 v 1 duels more often.”

“Thank you, Emma. I’m sorry it had to come to this,” said the coach, before excusing themselves.

The car door had barely shut behind Emma when John lost his temper.

“You knew all along! Why didn’t you tell me? You lied to me and made me look stupid! You should be ashamed of yourself!" he fumed.

“I didn’t tell you because I thought you’d be disappointed. Or mad at me for not being good enough,” Emma said, fighting back tears.

“I just wanted you to drop it, and let me figure things out for myself. I’ve been working hard at practice, I’m trying.

“It’s hard enough not being picked without you bringing it up at dinner after every game, and now you’ve embarrassed me like this. You’re the one who should be ashamed of yourself!”

Caroline’s coaching conundrum

Jack loves lacrosse - or he used to, at least.

His mother, Caroline, had watched his joy decline and his complaints increase during this past travel ball year.

The move from U14 to U16 had been a challenging one. He’d been used to being one of his team’s best and most physically dominant players at U14, but at U16 he could no longer rely on that advantage, and he was not as skillful as some of his new team-mates.

He’d gone from surefire starter to surefire benchwarmer and was not taking it well.

“It’s not fair, I’m working just as hard as before but not getting the playing time,” he would moan. “I don’t know what to do.”

Caroline took a deep breath. She had always vowed to be the sports parent who was seen, but not heard. She had never called a coach to complain about Jack’s playing time, and wasn’t about to start now.

“I think you need to do two things, Jack,” she told him firmly.

“Firstly, ask your coach to tell you why you aren’t playing, and what you need to improve to increase your chances.

“Secondly, try to prove them wrong. Make them look foolish for not picking you. You can’t control their decisions, but you can control your effort and attitude.”

Jack was scared to confront his coach, and asked if Caroline would do it with him or for him, but she refused: “This is your sport, your team, your coach; you have to learn how to stand up for yourself.”

It took a few weeks, but Jack eventually found the courage to confront his coach, who was not happy to have his judgment questioned. He told Jack he “just needed to get better” and to “grow up and get over” not getting selected.

Caroline’s heart sank. She told Jack she was proud of him for trying, and urged him to continue practicing as hard as he could, to earn more playing time.

The next few tournaments saw little change, and Jack continued to get little guidance on how to close his personal gap.

But when the regional championships rolled around, Jack got some playing time as a substitute after a couple of key players got injured in the first game.

He made some big plays, scored a few goals, and helped his team qualify for nationals, which few expected them to do.

When the annual club membership renewal reminder email came a few weeks later, Caroline canceled the payment.

In her letter to the club owners, she told them she felt Jack’s development and growth would be better served at a club that helped all its players, not just the ones who could help them win.

Questions for sports parents to consider…

• Which story resonated with you the most, and why?

• Would you have done anything differently to John and Caroline?

• When is it appropriate to step in to help your child with coach conflict?